What of the
How I Saved My Marriage, By Richard Paul Evans · February 10, 2015 Meridian Magazine (ldsmag.com)
My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, gMy greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.h Then she added with a smile. gIfm glad you guys figured things out.h
For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, Ifm not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didnft quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering gfame and fortuneh didnft make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.
I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit. Thatfs when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I donft know if you could call it prayer–maybe shouting at God isnft prayer, maybe it is–but whatever I was engaged in Ifll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldnft do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldnft figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldnft we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldnft she change?
Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You canft change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I canft change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.
The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, gHow can I make your day better?h
Keri looked at me angrily. gWhat?h
gHow can I make your day better?h
gYou canft,h she said. gWhy are you asking that?h
gBecause I mean it,h I said. gI just want to know what I can do to make your day better.h
She looked at me cynically. gYou want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.h
She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. gOkay.h I got up and cleaned the kitchen.
The next day I asked the same thing. gWhat can I do to make your day better?h
Her eyes narrowed. gClean the garage.h
I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. Instead I said, gOkay.h I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasnft sure what to think.
The next morning came. gWhat can I do to make your day better?h
gNothing!h she said. gYou canft do anything. Please stop saying that.h
gIfm sorry,h I said. gBut I canft. I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?h
gWhy are you doing this?h
gBecause I care about you,h I said. gAnd our marriage.h
The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Kerifs eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, gPlease stop asking me that. Youfre not the problem. I am. Ifm hard to live with. I donft know why you stay with me.h
I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. gItfs because I love you,h I said. gWhat can I do to make your day better?h
gI should be asking you that.h
gYou should,h I said. gBut not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.h
She put her head against my chest. gIfm sorry Ifve been so mean.h
gI love you,h I said.
gI love you,h she replied.
gWhat can I do to make your day better?h
She looked at me sweetly. gCan we maybe just spend some time together?h
I smiled. gIfd like that.h
I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, gWhat do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?h
The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didnft solve all our problems. I canft even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy theyfd once had. Wefd deprived them of oxygen. We just didnft have it in us to hurt each other anymore.
Keri and I have now been married for more than thirty years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others donft really matter. Wefve learned how to take care of each other and, more importantly, wefve gained the desire to do so.
Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. Ifve also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.
Through time Ifve learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, gWhat can I do to make your life better?h That is love. Romance novels (and Ifve written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesnft come from desire–at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness–sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of onefs self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek anotherfs well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.
Ifm not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. Ifm not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. Ifm grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And Ifm grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, gWhat can I do to make your day better.h Being on either side of that question is something worth waking up for.
Richard Paul Evans is the #1 New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of The Christmas Box and the Michael Vey series. He is also the author of the New York Times bestselling The Walk series, the story of a man who, upon losing his wife, home and business, decides to walk across America.